Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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