I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize