Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You ruined the universe
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
