Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
