I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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