come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
