I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
