is your mom at the bar?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
