I wish I only lived at night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
