Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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