Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
