you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
sarcasm needs its own font
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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