Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
