I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
