I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.