i just google imaged poop.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.