You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.