Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
