dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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