Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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