I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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