That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
