Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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