Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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