Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
