Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
