and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
