I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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