For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
