If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
