I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I touched a dick in church today
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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