I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
