I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
