I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
