the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
