Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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