i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
