New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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