if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
