my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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