I got chris browned last night
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
