FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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