I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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