Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.