There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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