ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
