non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
