Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
