There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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