i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
