omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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