oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
