Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
