sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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