Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
