im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
