he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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