You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
