At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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