I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
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Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
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I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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