im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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