I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
