Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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